12/4/25

Today I have therapy again. I'm not really sure what to talk about, usually I pull something from my ass, but this time I have something to go off of I guess. This customer yelled at me yesterday at work for a mistake my manager was mostly responsible for (a la giving a cusomter what they want despite policy so I look like the stupid one). So I had 2 customers mad at me and ganging up against me.

Anyway, I'm feeling better now and kind of less scared(?). I know I shouldn't let it get to me but my anxiety gets the better of me. But I live in a small town so there's a high chance I'll see her or people she's told about me again soon, which sucks.

Sometimes I give myself tarot readings as if a way to help explain my feelings or give me something to look forward to in life. I don't have many friends, and I don't go out much, so I don't have much to entertain myself with. So I try to immerse myself in hobbies like writing, reading, drawing, coding, etc.

Back to tarot, I gave myself a reading this afternoon, maybe as a way to prepare what's to come for the near future. For the star of the show, I got the universe (reversed). And for the clarifier I got 2 of torches (upright).

There is a huge hole in myself that needs filling and one way that I can would be to step out of my comfort zone and just make a decision already. I think this applies to me in that I keep waiting and waiting for change but don't know how to implement it. Whether it be towards friendships or even another personal achievement that I won't get into.

12/10/25

Yesterday I had a successful interview!! The only downside is that they're asking for 1 dollar less an hour than the job I currently work. And fewer hours. Oh well.

So that brings us to today. I applied to another job that hopefully gives me enough hours. It's a coffee job, which I haven't really worked food before. Anxious because I'll have to memorize a menu, and that's not my strong suit. The only food job I ever had previously was an ice cream job. Didn't go well. I ended up quitting on the second shift (oops).

I also am getting back into customizing my jean jacket though!! I'm creating my own patches and am ordering spikes to put on the shoulders. I'm soooo excited! It's been difficult getting back into hobbies and not boring myself to death, which I think is partly due to the meds I'm on. Anyway, I have the rest of the day to dawdle and paint more patches, so that's what I'm going off to do.

12/23/25

Yesterday I came out to my mom as trans. Didn't go as well as it could have gone, but what did I really expect?

She told me some things that I don't wish to share on this site. Thankfully, it happened in front of a trusted therapist, so at least it kind of cushioned the fall. I cried so much yesterday. Today, I feel kind of sluggish and worn out like a soggy tomato. She acts like nothing even happened. I feel gaslit and disrespected.

I've had people tell me that she will come around and that her disposition surely can't last forever. I have to try and believe them. It's all I have left. I am hanging on by a thread today. A wavering beam of light. So sad, so betrayed. I'm sorry to say that I wish I never came out to her. That's just how I feel right now.

12/30/25

Well, it's been about a week since that fateful day. My mom is still pretending like nothing ever happened between us. I feel more anger than sadness right now. Irritation. Blatant disrespect. This deadnaming and misgendering has got to end soon.

I've been in a creative drought lately with all the stress. I need to pick up a new hobby. I've been thinking of making a Blair (my oc) doll out of felt, but I don't even know how to sew. Just put patches on a coat, haha. Maybe I'll find a way eventually. I'm sure there's plenty of tutorials I can find online somewhere.

There's not much to report except that I talked to my aunt about a potential career in coding, rather than putting my useless English degree to good use. Maybe I can become a pro for real. My aunt is actually really supportive of me. Very lucky.

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